• Avery Marr

Semester Horoscopes

As the semester slowly crawls to its finish, students and teachers become more and more stressed. By taking a look at your star sign you can catch a glimpse of your future, which if you're lucky is a less stressful time.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You’re an air sign, so the increasing winds of fall comforts you through all of the homework and tests of the semester. This is an asset that will keep you going throughout the trying winter months. Upon your return from winter break, you will feel invigorated and ready to start fresh. Your little brother, Timmy, will have a piano recital on November 17th. Remember to bring pink roses to congratulate him afterwards. Any other flower will result in terrible circumstances. Your lucky numbers are 4, 11, 22, and 29.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You’re a water sign and the rainy, wet fall gives you something to look forward to. You may feel overwhelmed by your workload at the moment, but it will soon be lifted to give you a brief but productive break. You will have encountered a few children on Halloween that were not what they seemed. Your lucky numbers are 3, 9, 12, 15, and 24.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You’re a fire sign, and the quickly-approaching winter threatens your warm soul. In these times, it is best to cherish the people around you who bring you warmth. Although it is easy to fall into a seasonal depression, it will do you no good in the future. Keep up to date on your schoolwork as to not fall behind in the semester. On December 5th, your music teacher will come to you with a preposition. Do not agree to play a saxophone solo. Steer clear of the saxophone altogether. Your lucky numbers are 1, 8, and 7.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You’re an earth sign, and the dying leaves of fall bring back bittersweet memories of the time your mother abandoned you in the grocery store. Remember to make time for those who are important in your life. It may seem overwhelming, but it will be worth it. Do not visit any Denny’s in the greater Baltimore area, until the date of December 22nd. Your lucky numbers are 2, 6, 9, 12, and 24.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You’re an air sign, so the hallowing screams of the void draw you strongly during this time of year. You will soon be pressured to make a rash decision. Listen to your intuition, and all will turn out fine. Trust in yourself and your abilities. Do not ride in any purple 2001 Honda civics until 2020. It will prove useful to avoid cars with the number 11 in their licence plate as well. Your lucky numbers are 5, 7, 14, and 23.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You’re a water sign, so the winter snow brings you comfort in the cold. Remember to keep a positive outlook on life. Your pessimistic ways will hurt you if you let them win. Although procrastination may seem like it won’t hurt you later, it is best to get work done as soon as possible. The FBI found you to be the most dangerous astrological sign. Remember that Selena Gomez is a cancer. Selena Gomez is dangerous. Be careful. Your lucky numbers are 2, 3, 15, and 20.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You’re a fire sign, so the idea of the cold smothering your flame scares you. Make sure to combat this fear by carrying a lighter on you at all times. Remember to think about others more than you usually would, because by paying attention many gifts will come your way. If you come across a man named Gerald in the next week, tell him to book the first flight to New Orleans that he can find. This is one way that you can help others in this semester. Your lucky numbers are 1, 3, 10, and 19.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You’re an earth sign, so during this time of year, it is most important to appreciate and be around nature. Although you are sometimes all-work and no-play, some relaxation and meditation will make a large difference in your life. If, when you are meditating, and you feel yourself start to float, immediately open your eyes and take a shower. The demons are after you, Virgo. They’re coming for you. Your lucky numbers are 5, 14, 15, 23, and 32.

Libra (September 23 - October 22) You’re an air sign, so the gentle breeze of fall brings you back to Autumn ‘09, when you got the flu and had to be hospitalized for three days. This may not seem like a nice memory. It is best to take things slow and cherish them as you go along, Libra. You tend to be talkative, but it is important to take some time and notice things silently. Remember to get your flu shot. Your lucky numbers are 4, 6, 15, 24, and 13.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You’re a water sign, so the ice and rain bring comfort to your freezing cold heart. Your loyalty will be tested greatly in the next couple of months, so it is vital for you to stay with those around you who bring you joy. It may be hard for you to be a follower but it is important to let those around you lead. They will teach you many things. Remember to wash your hands after petting animals. Fleas are after you this time of year. Your lucky numbers are 8, 11, 18, and 22.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You’re a fire sign, so it is important to cherish those who bring you warmth as the temperature drops. You may be impatient sometimes, but you will need to take it slow for a while. It will be hard but worth it. I hope you did not dress as a skeleton for Halloween. You would anger someone very important to you by having done that, and it will result in the loss of your left femur. Your lucky numbers are 3, 7, 9, 21, and 12.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) You’re an earth sign, so you enjoy the majesty and beauty of the colder months. Right now is an important time to try new things. You may find something that you really enjoy doing. Your stubbornness will prove useful to you, although it is important to compromise on some matters. You may find yourself morphed into a goat when you wake up on December 1st, but relax, as it will pass within three minutes. However, if it does not, it is best to drink 3/4 a cup of chamomile tea, which will cure it. Your lucky numbers are 4, 8, 13, and 22.

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